The Housewife’s Trial – The Big J

Your Honour, I’m only a poor housewife
And the one great joy in my boring life
Is to get my laundry white and clean
The light of my life is my washing machine
So this morning I had a terrible shock
‘Cos the dirt said hot but the label said not
With the stains on his undies and the dirt on his vest
They’ll never pass the window test
It really did come as a terrible fright
I’ll never get them bluey-white
My powder’s so crap I’m sure that it won’t
Shift those stubborn stains that ordinary non-biological powders don’t
Then all of a sudden, to allay my fears
A man in a long white coat appeared
He said ‘It’s new, it’s improved, it’s the best you can buy
It’s bloody amazing, why not give it a try?’
Then more appeared and very soon
Washing powder salesman filled up the room
But under all that pressure my patience SNAPPED
And in the soap powder advert, THE HOUSEWIFE STRIKES BACK!
I attacked ’em all with piano wire
Put their heads in the machine and their bodies in the drier
I grabbed ’em by the willies and pulled ’em through the mangle
I spun ’em and wrung ’em until they were strangled
Then I washed ’em and rinsed ’em a couple more times
Hung ’em by the bollocks from the washing line
I took ’em down and shook ’em to get rid of their crinkles
Put ’em on the ironing board and ironed out their wrinkles
I didn’t mean to kill ’em – it was out of frustration
I was sick of being subjected to their patronisation
So I stand accused Your Honour of this terrible offence
And the one thing I can say is – it was in self defence!

The Big J – from Wake Up, number 6, September 85
The Big J was a scooted riding poet who also edited the ‘zine Blaze.
I hope to be interviewing her about her days as a ranter and zinester and what she did next in the not too distant.

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2 thoughts on “The Housewife’s Trial – The Big J

  1. Pingback: Return of The Big J | standupandspit

  2. Pingback: Forgotten Rants | standupandspit

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